UPTOWN GIRL

Posted by Ifat Pridan on

I know! It's supposed to be a blog about secrets from the FITTING ROOMS, but this time it will be about secrets from the BATHROOM. Be aware, PG13. 

It all starts with Billy Joel. I have lived in the DC area for 25 years now, and so many times in NY but never been to Madison Square Garden, so when we found tickets to see Billy Joel it was a no brainer. Quick trip to NY, in and out. 

7:00am Acela train to NY. I can usually hold myself and not go to the bathroom, but it was early, coffee was kicking in, I am not getting any younger either, so here we go.   

The first public bathroom rule is don’t touch anything, but I am on a fast-moving train and not actually sitting on anything (you know what I mean). Without holding the iron handle I would find myself on the bathroom floor. So, I’m holding the handle with two fingers while hoping to not catch anything. Next step is not as easy as you might think. Try rolling pasta on your fork while the plate keeps moving, or putting eyeliner on while a bunch of angry chickens are running around you. Is it my imagination or does the train suddenly shake more when I’m in the bathroom? Regardless, this part is done and now to the difficult part, the toilet paper. 

WHOOOOO invented these toilet paper dispensers? It’s not the first time I’ve used them, but it’s the first time I thought about how insulting they are. 

It’s a vault. It’s a vault with a bottom slit access. It’s a vault with a bottom slit access that always, but always, hangs too low on the wall. To reach the slit, you need to perform a back-squat / hand-band maneuver that will remind you why you never took that level 3 yoga class in the first place. Experience helps, I can’t imagine a tourist trying to figure out where the %$#@ we hide the toilet paper. And then, just when you find the slit, it’s the million-dollar question: is there toilet paper inside??? Oh yes, I can feel something, oops, it’s turning, and turning and turning. I need to find the loose end but the paper is so darn thin, thinner than a tissue wrapping paper, thinner than filo dough. Another finger maneuver and you find the loose end. Next, is to be able to pull out the toilet paper without tearing it up. Mind you, the train is still moving… Slowly, gently, oops, yep, I’ve got it.   

How do you even produce such a thin layer of paper? Is it even paper? It must be a super hi-tech machine. I can imagine the sales pitch: “we were able to reduce the weight of the paper by another 2%, you are going to save some big money here”. It is so thin I need to use three times the normal paper amount (no savings here). It is so thin that if I can pull a reasonable piece all in one try, I feel accomplished. Aren’t we just strong, independent women? 

Now that I hate these dispensers, I see them everywhere!!! But I had it. Armed with 2 sheets of good old tissue paper (with lotion) I made my way to the bathroom at Madison Square Garden bathroom. Uptown Girl or what?  

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Comments


  • Welcome to Amtrak! That was a brilliant description. As crazy as that all was, it was still better than the ladies room at Union Station – that’s a special circle of Hell all it’s own….Glad you made it safely to New York and back.

    Heather on
  • This was hilarious! Great details too ;) Thanks for the laugh 😆

    Rhoda on

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